OT: When Giving is a Duty

[Miss Tam-Tam]

When giving is a duty, it's rarely a joy
Sunday, December 11, 2005 - Star-Ledger

The December giving frenzy has begun. 'Tis the season to be jolly -- and generous.

Drop a dollar into a Salvation Army bowl. Adopt an underprivileged family for Christmas dinner. Write a check to your favorite charity.

Giving to others is the one thing on Earth that shouldn't raise ethical concerns. But American traditions of holiday giving raise plenty.

First, we spend too lavishly on one another, sending a message of "materialism at the mall" rather than "peace on earth."

The affluent engage in self-absorbed consumption, and the poor try to keep up. Some low-income families go into holiday season debt that can't be paid off until the April tax refund arrives. It doesn't take a Scrooge to point out that money that should be spent on real needs goes instead to wasteful luxuries.

In well-off families, the $400 video game units and the $300 iPods are only two of the gifts lucky middle-school boys can expect to find under the tree this year. Little sisters will get the fourth in their collections of $100 American Girl dolls, plus $200 cell phones.

Their moms will get $500 gourmet coffee makers and $300 spa days. Their dads' new cashmere sweaters retail for a sweet $300. And then there are the big-ticket plasma TV sets, cruises and ski vacations.

Giving can be as joyful as it is generous. But we've reached a point in this country where we need to examine the materialistic values and neglect of broader economic issues implicit in our annual rituals.

A lot of December giving, after all, is not joyful. Instead, it has a dreary, obligatory feel. Some people give gifts to family members hoping to avoid criticism from kin. They give at work to maintain their reputations as supportive team players and effective leaders.

Obligatory giving is in a sense dishonest, because it's not heartfelt. Yet we are so accustomed to pragmatic, mandatory gift giving -- it's so built into American culture -- that it would seem odd to label it unethical.

Whether it is obligatory or joyful, there can be considerable insecurity about choosing presents. Many people fear being judged badly by their selections. Gift certificates and gift cards have become extremely popular in the past few years, in part because busy working women have declined to spend all of their leisure time shopping. Moreover, retailers have figured out that insecure consumers will gladly purchase high-denomination gift cards, a percentage of which will never be redeemed.

Insecure givers who avoid gift certificates may also overspend on presents, reasoning this way: Even if recipients aren't happy, they can at least appreciate that the gifts have significant economic value, and they can exchange them.

While considerate of others, the logic of this thinking assumes that others will only be satisfied with expensive items. This is humbug. The generosity we owe others also involves a belief in their good character and capacity for gratitude. People are capable of appreciating the thought behind a gift -- even a well-chosen, inexpensive gift.

Admittedly, not everyone is the ideal recipient. Some people pride themselves on having too much taste to be happy with a cheap gift. There are few things as ugly as the flawed characters who express indignation about the quality or price of a gift. Gratitude is a classic virtue that should not depend on the gift itself.

Then there is the issue of charitable giving. Many people view the holiday season -- properly -- as a chance to give to not-for-profit organizations in which they are actively involved as volunteers or employees. Or, perhaps, to support a worthy cause for no other reason than a desire to help.

But December also produces a wave of charitable giving that is clearly calculated to exploit deductions in the federal tax code. Sophisticated December givers expect to benefit handsomely from their generosity. This is hardly unselfish.

There is a way out: Take a year off from most December gift giving. See that the sky will not fall. See that you have options. Think about what really makes sense to give the people you know, given your resources and their wants.

Use the money you save to pay bills, contribute to your retirement fund or support a local charity.

I used to send out Christmas cards every year. The first few years I enjoyed choosing the cards and stamps, inserting photographs, signing my name, addressing the envelopes. But eventually the process felt like an empty ritual.

One year, I dared to stop. I don't know what I expected -- lightning bolts or earthquakes, maybe. It surprised me that nothing horrible happened. Now I send cards when I have something to share.

It feels great. And right.

Anita L. Allen is a professor of law and philosophy at the University of Pennsylvania. She may be reached at moralistcolumn@yahoo.com.

[jazzyken]

Great post... she hit the nail on the head in a couple of sections...

what are you guys expecting to get this year or what are you plans for the family??? Trying to get in a upbeat here, bear with me :p

My hubby is getting a new coat and a TV for his new basement! some flat, plasma crap that cost an arm and a leg!!! But he deserves it because he treats me well :D
My daughter is getting a "Go" phone from Cingular for 30 bucks and maybe some games for her playstation 2.
My oldest son is getting squat - bad report card :mad: ... no rewards! We will see what the next report looks like but nothing for Christmas :(
My baby is getting some cars from Walmart and a cordless remote controller for his Xbox.

And I got a new dining room set with china cabinet (looks beautiful), a new bedroom set being delivered in to 2 weeks, and hopefully a new truck this week (have to call my credit union for financing:rolleyes:

What is on your wishlist???

[Doofus1]

My oldest son is getting squat - bad report card ... no rewards! We will see what the next report looks like but nothing for Christmas


Ouch! You must be tough. Good luck and don't give up.

[jazzyken]

I won't... as my hubby says he has to learn that he is only rewarded for good work and good deeds. he walked in my house with c's and d's on his report card. he know his work, he is just a playfien!!! so he gets nothing.

he can wake up at midnite with the rest of us and enjoy what we get. thats life!

[Klap Bak]

I’ve always had a very good feeling about you Jazzy. The fact that you are bringing your children up the right way tells me I was right. There should be more parents in the world like you…… it would be a better place. Children don’t need more friends. They need parents. I am proud of you and the Hubby for being just that.

[jazzyken]

Thanks Klap. I really appreciate that!!!

But my hubby is really the strength behind all of the "punishing". I am a softee when it comes to my babies:o . But we have to be strong TOGETHER!! Two things my hubby always says is that he wants his children to have what he never had and to accomplish things that he was not able to accomplish. He also says we are raising BLACK MEN (and one woman) in this world and nothing is free. They have to work hard for whatever they want and keep God first. Now I must say I am not as religious as I want to be but I know who and what comes first and foremost.
But my family are my life and I live my life that way!!!
Yeah we do need more parents like me in the world:D

I was talking with my cousin a while back and she has two boys and one daughter. The boys 21 and 16 have both been in and out of jail and each have two kids. The girl is smoking marijuana already and walking the streets day in and day out. When I try to talk with them I realize they are far gone.... Not that they can not be saved but they have to WANT to be saved. They have to want a better life. They have to want to live. There are so many people walking the streets of Newark (and everywhere else - had to throw that in for John;) ) everyday with that mentality. They have to want something or they will never have anything.

Just rambling.... I have to eat lunch now. My stomach is talking with my back and the conversation is getting hostile!!!

[Insideout]

I won't... as my hubby says he has to learn that he is only rewarded for good work and good deeds. he walked in my house with c's and d's on his report card. he know his work, he is just a playfien!!! so he gets nothing.

he can wake up at midnite with the rest of us and enjoy what we get. thats life!Ouch! Is that punishment or torture? Seems we live in a time where there's a fine line. I don't know you, or your family, obviously, so I am not criticizing, because you have the hardest job in the world, and I know you only want your children to be responsible caring decent adults. However, I am curious about something, when you got the report card, was that the first time that you learned that he had done poorly? Seems to me that, the teachers ought to be held SERIOUSLY responsible too for not alerting you that there was a problem, if they didn't do that. Also, if you didn't have a sense of things being that bad, that's also another conversation. I am just not clear how a child can produce Ds and the parents not know in enough time to help support him enough to do better.

[jazzyken]

Ouch! Is that punishment or torture? Seems we live in a time where there's a fine line. I don't know you, or your family, obviously, so I am not criticizing, because you have the hardest job in the world, and I know you only want your children to be responsible caring decent adults. However, I am curious about something, when you got the report card, was that the first time that you learned that he had done poorly? Seems to me that, the teachers ought to be held SERIOUSLY responsible too for not alerting you that there was a problem, if they didn't do that. Also, if you didn't have a sense of things being that bad, that's also another conversation. I am just not clear how a child can produce Ds and the parents not know in enough time to help support him enough to do better.
Well we are very active in my son's schooling and we were aware of his behavior early on but we thought we were getting a handle on it. His teacher is great at informing us of problems but a little lax on homework and stuff. We normally give them "extra" work during the week and on weekends. No TV on weekdays. They read books, on the computer, etc...
My son plays a lot and we would usually get a call about him playing but never about his work in school. This is a first. But also note we check homework everynite and sign all test but if he does not bring it to us we know nothing about it until we get a call or report card time.
My hubby is at the school (on PTA and everything else) almost everyday if he is not working overtime or sleep (he works nites). But I guess my son just said "F" it... he wants to play and be the class clown.
So now that he has sunk this semester we have to kick it up a notch. And to place a little blame on us, we were so wrapped up in buying this house and gettting away from my old neighborhood (you know trying not to get shot getting out of our cars and such) we might of lost a little track with all of them but he was the only one that had bad grades. My daughter made super honor roll and my baby got good remarks from his teacher.
But the punishment is working since the report cards were given. He is now acing all test. Reading everyday. Writing every evening in the afterschool program. We are very strict once you are one the bad side... We are very cool parents when they are on the good side. My daughter is getting her room painted. Just brought her a new computer and she loves to read and we just took her to Barnes and Noble and she picked out 5 books (she has her little library going). My son has almost everything he wants and that is really a bad thing sometimes because he does not know how to appreciate it. So once he flunked this semester we snatched it away. I hate to analize it with jail but look at it this way. If he was on the street and he did something bad or negative. He would be sent away... same thing except at my house he has no cable TV:rolleyes: He will learn... and I pray that he will be a God loving and God fearing individual that has his own mind and not a follower. Which is partly what he does now.

[Insideout]

Well we are very active in my son's schooling and we were aware of his behavior early on but we thought we were getting a handle on it. His teacher is great at informing us of problems but a little lax on homework and stuff. We normally give them "extra" work during the week and on weekends. No TV on weekdays. They read books, on the computer, etc...
My son plays a lot and we would usually get a call about him playing but never about his work in school. This is a first. But also note we check homework everynite and sign all test but if he does not bring it to us we know nothing about it until we get a call or report card time.
My hubby is at the school (on PTA and everything else) almost everyday if he is not working overtime or sleep (he works nites). But I guess my son just said "F" it... he wants to play and be the class clown.
So now that he has sunk this semester we have to kick it up a notch. And to place a little blame on us, we were so wrapped up in buying this house and gettting away from my old neighborhood (you know trying not to get shot getting out of our cars and such) we might of lost a little track with all of them but he was the only one that had bad grades. My daughter made super honor roll and my baby got good remarks from his teacher.
But the punishment is working since the report cards were given. He is now acing all test. Reading everyday. Writing every evening in the afterschool program. We are very strict once you are one the bad side... We are very cool parents when they are on the good side. My daughter is getting her room painted. Just brought her a new computer and she loves to read and we just took her to Barnes and Noble and she picked out 5 books (she has her little library going). My son has almost everything he wants and that is really a bad thing sometimes because he does not know how to appreciate it. So once he flunked this semester we snatched it away. I hate to analize it with jail but look at it this way. If he was on the street and he did something bad or negative. He would be sent away... same thing except at my house he has no cable TV:rolleyes: He will learn... and I pray that he will be a God loving and God fearing individual that has his own mind and not a follower. Which is partly what he does now.I really commend you, not that you need it from a perfect stranger, :) but I have to say it again, you and your husband have one of the hardest jobs on the planet. It really warmed my heart to read your passion for your children and how dedicated you are to keeping the streets from getting them.

[jazzyken]

Just doing my job as a parent... nothing out of the ordinary for anyone that is truely concerned about their kids. I know plenty of people that feel the same way I do and try their best with what is given to them. thanks for the comments!!! They do count coming from a perfect stranger :D

[Insideout]

Just doing my job as a parent... nothing out of the ordinary for anyone that is truely concerned about their kids. I know plenty of people that feel the same way I do and try their best with what is given to them. thanks for the comments!!! They do count coming from a perfect stranger :DSo true, and I know of many too, but I am still always impressed.

[Klap Bak]

I read your earlier comments and started putting together a deservingly hard response. Thankfully you redeemed yourself.

Jazzy and her husband are a great example of what is missing in today’s society. The wife and I have no kids but if we did we would have done well to be half as good as these folks.

The really saddening part here is that they had to pull up roots from our City and move to another City to allow their children an opportunity to LIVE. By so doing they are giving them the opportunity to grow up and become productive members of society.

The fact that they had to leave Newark to do that should be a source of EMBARASSMENT to you because it is the ineffectiveness of the Administration you support and defend that let these good folks down. They let us all down. Your continued support of them marks you clearly as….. well …….. part of the problem.

[Insideout]

I read your earlier comments and started putting together a deservingly hard response. Thankfully you redeemed yourself.

Jazzy and her husband are a great example of what is missing in today’s society. The wife and I have no kids but if we did we would have done well to be half as good as these folks.

The really saddening part here is that they had to pull up roots from our City and move to another City to allow their children an opportunity to LIVE. By so doing they are giving them the opportunity to grow up and become productive members of society.

The fact that they had to leave Newark to do that should be a source of EMBARASSMENT to you because it is the ineffectiveness of the Administration you support and defend that let these good folks down. They let us all down. Your continued support of them marks you clearly as….. well …….. part of the problem.That's what I live for Klap, YOUR approval.:D :p

[Klap Bak]

That's what I live for Klap, YOUR approval.:D :p

Look, I am fully aware that you and the rest of your pitiful little clan do not need Klaps approval. But the time is coming fast when you will wish you had paid attention to the tax paying, voting residents of this City. And people like me ….. well …. we don’t just vote ……….. we are responsible for turning hundreds of votes away from you just because of your lack of a sense of responsibility.

Keep laughing. It is very energizing.

[jazzyken]

Jazzy and her husband are a great example of what is missing in today’s society. The wife and I have no kids but if we did we would have done well to be half as good as these folks.

The really saddening part here is that they had to pull up roots from our City and move to another City to allow their children an opportunity to LIVE. By so doing they are giving them the opportunity to grow up and become productive members of society.
Unfortunately this is true... I was trying to hold out until the change came but the way it looks I am not sure when or if the change will come soon. The breaking point was the kid killed on the corner of my old block. I only lived there a short while but the community took it as "same shi* different day" and I am not one to get a call from anyone saying my child was gunned down in the street. Now I am not saying that Irvington is the best place to raise my children nor am I saying it is this suburban town or whatever.... what I will say is the Mayor is TRYING to change the City and its perception. He has visions for the city. He is actually EARNING his salary. Not something I can say about Newark.

[black4rob2]

But.....

If there were more parents like Jazzy & Co. Imagine wha the streets would look like. If you walk the streets at night...it is surprising to see how many young kids are walking by themselves hanging our and doing absolutely nothing...

I am very critical of our admin, but the parents of this city have to share to blame becuse they are not fulfilling their responsiblity......

Kudos to Jazzy......
:D :D :D :D
I've told you this before... and i really mean it...I wish there were more of your kind in this city

[jazzyken]

Not to give excuses but some of the parents in this city are afraid... afraid of their own children, afraid of a dyfs case, afraid of the jokers on the corner prepping their kids in a life downhill... I for one am not afraid. Neither is my husband.
Just a story, a couple of months ago, when we lived at the old rental (feels good to say that:) ) we lived next to older teenagers. We really did not know them but they seemed like nice kids. Parents were working in the day and whatever. One day my son went to take the garbage out and he saw one of our neighbor's kids. He went over and shook his hand in some weird handshake. Of course, I know nothing about this handshake but my husband easily picked up on it. It was a Crip handshake! Oh my God I was floored. I had no clue what was going on. My husband immediately went and snatched up my son and took him in the house. He asked where did he learn this and who taught him. Come to find out it was the same neighbor's kid. Well my husband laid it to my son.... he explained what gangs were and what they did. He took him to Seth Boyden projects and showed him what that life was about. It was difficult to see what my husband was doing but he had to hit him hard. And to date we never had a problem like that with my son again. And right after that, my husband went to talk with the boy's parent to explain what happened. And their response was they work and they do not know what their son gets into to. But they really did not seem concerned at all. They had a "well he is almost grown" type of attitude and my husband really could not understand how can they think that way. I believe they love their son but they do not know or better yet afraid of what will happen if they discussed it with their son.
God tells us we are responsible for our children!!! I am responsible if my son goes out and shoots someone or robs someone or sells drugs to someone!! It is my job to show him a better way of life. And that is what I am going to do. I am in no way rich nor do I have thousands sitting in the bank. I make it through the grace of my God and He takes care of us because I know what my priorities are which is my husband and my children,

Sorry guys I am ramblin again!!!

Thanks Rob, where have you been you kind of fell off radar these last couple of weeks?